Friday, June 1, 2012

Keepin' it real....

The last month has been a complete blur and so surreal feeling to me. I have done so much blood work, drank 2 too many nasty “cocktails” for testing, gotten an ultrasound, CT scan, Colonoscopy…and had follow up after follow up appointments. Then had a TB test; scheduled more lab work; and scheduled a bowel series barium test for soon. I have been through more pain than I ever thought possible and gone with less sleep, food, nutrition than I ever thought possible. I have tested new medicines, been put on the max dose, then had dosages adjusted. I have taken 20 pills a day for a week now. I feel like I have been through the ringer. And I am PISSED OFF about it. I am pissed that I am hurting. I am pissed that this is happening to me. I am pissed that I can’t eat or drink what I want. I am pissed that I keep getting poked and prodded. I am pissed that I have bruises all over me. I am pissed that I am tired all the time. I am pissed that I can’t sleep. I am pissed that this is happening to me. I am pissed that people think I have been self-diagnosing myself online. I am pissed that people don’t believe I know what side effects I am having from different medications. I am pissed that it took so long for anyone to believe that I am not crazy with this pain. I am pissed that I didn’t fight harder for an answer before. I am pissed that I have a disease that is non-curable. I am pissed that people are not supportive as I thought some would be. I am pissed that I can’t even express how grateful I am to those that ARE supportive.

I am just pissed off. And I feel that I have every right to be. I might be like this for a few hours; I might be like this for a few days. But this is the pissed off stage of my “grieving process” of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. So please excuse me while I go be a little more pissed off.
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